Jack's Classic Burgers - $5

It's a stand that's not trying to be anything but a stand. Unlike another stand we went to (Henry's Tacos), Jack's tables are not chained to the sidewalk. It seems they trust their customers not to take one home with them. But, I mean, really, where would I put it?

Free stuff: None. Bummer. Well, actually, there's no tax, so that's good.

Ambience: Pedestrian. There's a counter with barstools and memorabilia, as well as tables with umbrellas.

Bathrooms: None...it's a true stand...

Service: Stand service - if you get a smile, you're lucky. However, Laurie asked for ketchup packets and got the whole bottle.

Food: If you're hankerin' for a good ol' fashioned burger, this is THE place. They make everything to order, so give 'em a minute. You can call ahead if you can't take the heat. The patties are a good size, the veggies are fresh and the buns are soft.

Laurie: Cheeseburger with everything, which was messy, but gooooooo-oooood. The onion rings were deep fried perfection.

Me: Burger with everything, hold the onions, and a side of chili cheese fries, which were really popular with the other customers. This ain't no place for a diet. Bring on the heartburn. Can ya beat eating this kind of food on a warm summer night? Where's the beer?

The place was spotless. A-rating. I was impressed.

The cook was flipping burgers and dishing out french fried goodness while wearing a t-shirt that advertisted a health club. "Health and fitness. Put your money where your mouth is." Like I need the guilt. My money and mouth are at Jack's Burgers.

Overall rating. 3 forks. In N Out can kiss Jack's booty.

Next Up: Hot Spot Cafe, if they're open.

Kerry's Cafe - $

We went to The Port last night, but, after realizing it's just a bar with some food, not a bar AND grill, we left and went to Kerry's.

Kerry's Cafe was the most interesting experience we've had yet, and it had nothing to do with the food. It's right next to Kerry's Cocktails. There's a window in between so the barflies can order food. The waitress, Christina, would ring a bell and holler, "Danny! Cheeseburger!!" At one point, she yelled, "Last call for food!!"

Free stuff: apple slices because she knew our order would take a while. She was sweet.

Ambience: Confusing. Loud country music. There were knicknacks in what used to be the dessert display case. Instead of pies and goodies, there're fake flowers, a pig, and wooden tulips. One wall had a sign, "Good food good wine." But, they don't serve wine. You have to go next door. It was a little confusing.

Bathroom: 5 forks. It was spotless.

The clientele are a category all their own. Where do I start? Christina, the waitress, knew everyone. A guy named Cal sat behind us. He opened up a plastic bag and offered us fake Coach purses and Rolex watches. He had them displayed while he was eating just in case we wanted something. His nose was running the whole time.

I went next door to watch the game and got hit on by a fat 80 yr. old man who only spoke to my chest. He said, "Are you here for the audition?" That's a new one. "What audition?" As he spoke to my boobs, "Kerry's Cocktail Lounge girls. There's a bikini contest." He looked me up and down without shame. Hey, I work out. Look all you want, Pops, 'cause you ain't gettin' any of it. "Well, I think I'm going to enter it myself," he said with a perverted sex offender smile. "I gotta go."

While we were eating, a man in his 50's walked in, wearing all black. His kerchief proudly displayed "Jack Daniels" on his forehead. His ponytail was tied tight in bright green rubberbands. Where's the Harley? He announced, "Man, all I need's a pool table in here, and I ain't never leavin!" Where am I? Toto, I think we're in Kansas.

Laurie: Homemade baked ziti in a meat sauce with a side salad and drink for $6.99 It was delicious. 4 forks. For some reason, her dinner came on a real plate, while mine was served on styrofoam. Not fair.

Me: The sign out front says, "World Famous Pastrami Dip", so I had it. It was 1 pound of pastrami with a side of slaw and a drink for $6.99. Almost everything is $6.99. I only ate 1/2 of the pastrami. It was fabulous. 4 forks.

Overall rating: 4 forks. Confusing ambience, but good food.

If you want some good food, and need a fake Coach bag, this is your place.

Next up: Hot Wings Cafe - if they're still in business.